The triangle

If you could learn to play an instrument, what instrument would it be?

If I could learn any new instrument I wanted, I would learn to play the triangle.

I would begin by taking triangle lessons. I'd have a rocky start, seeing as how it is always more difficult for adults to learn new instruments. I would suffer patiently through triangle classes with elementary schoolers, being the "slow adult" in the class. I'd eventually acquire the technical skills but suddenly experience a period of percussionist's block. Just when that affliction faded, my triangle career would be threatened by frightening carpal tunnel symptoms, and I'd have to spend months in rehab, re-vamping my technical skills to be ergonomically correct.

Right after that I'd have a huge breakthrough. I'd become famous for my triangular virtuosity. I'd perfect the delivery of a rendition of Jobim's "One Note Samba" that would rouse audiences to riotous frenzy. After a brilliant career of acclaimed performances I'd being composing. I'd start with simple triangle choruses. Then I'd move on to innovative works such as "Symphony for Triangle with Children and Soapbubbles" (review: a feast for the ears and eyes, with the beauty in the rainbow of bubbles blown from the thirty-two triangles dipped in soapy water rivaled only by the rainbow of diversity in the twenty children so carefully hired from all over the world to hum harmoniously along).

I might even be so bold as to attempt to introduce design variations on my instrument, which I would give such names as the "square," or the "trapezoid." This would be met with staunch opposition from the music world. Critics would decry my descent into "a mindless reactionary style, heralding the onset of either madness or just severe poor taste." Controversy would follow me about, as some would celebrate me, while others would label me a fraud. Drugs would be implicated. Finally, the fat lady would let out a shrill high E, and a VH1 special would be made, signaling the end of my career. I'd be left penniless, my reputation as a musician forever destroyed.

Maybe not the triangle after all.

Ooh, what about the jaw harp?